Zopiclone, The Greek Godess of Sleep

An ex-of mine, a really smart, wacky theatre artist, had to go on sleeping medication at one point during our relationship. He was prescribed a drug called Imovaine or Zopiclone, which worked really well for him. It was said to knock you out quite solidly for an eight hour period, with no morning doziness or drugged-out feeling. I remember once, while we were still together, going through a period of restlessness and taking one of his pills. I LOVED it. Got knocked right out, and woke up surprisingly refreshed. Actually, if memory serves, I only took half a pill, and it was brilliant. The wonderful thing about this ex of mine was his sharp mind and brilliant wit, and as an expression of his delight with this effective drug, he began to call it Zopiclone (pronounced zoe-PIC-lon-EE), The Greek Goddess of Sleep. You know, like Persephone or Hermione. It cracked me up.

I work mostly as an actor in theatre. I guess that's still true, although when I look at the way my career has shifted in the last few years, I question whether that is really true or not. I teach playwriting, write plays and have them workshopped and produced, and I do film and televison. For some reason, my work in live performance has become limited to doing mostly big musical production, at least here in Vancouver, and if not musicals, with lots of jumping around singin' and dancin' and being funny, then in being hired to do comedy.

I've had the great fortune to be hired to perform this summer in one of Vancouver theatre success stories, the Shakespeare festival known as Bard on the Beach. I'd been wanting to be a part of Bard (here's a link: http://www.bardonthebeach.org) for a few years now, so I was thrilled to be included in the Mainstage Company this year. My main role is in The Comedy of Errors, playing Dromio of Ephesus, the slave separated from his twin at birth, and who receives pretty much non-stop cudgelling from his arrogant master Antipholus, or his twin the other Antipholus who continually mistakes me for his slave... you get the picture. At any rate, the show is an extended lazzi for me, a series of comic scenes where I get the crap beat out of me, but happily am reunited a the end of the play with my long lost twin slave, the other Dromio.

I'm a youthful 45 year old. I've been staying in good shape. The (brilliant) young actor who plays my twin in 20 years younger than I am. Let's just say that despite it's mercifully short length (just over 2 hours), the show is demanding physically. Layers of slave wear and a long wig in a tent in the summer... a little toasty at times.

The period leading up to opening is a three week period of long days (about 12 hours) in which the company opens one show (in our case this year Othello) and while it previews and performs that one, rehearses the other show during the days. It's a demanding schedule. As we got into previews for Comedy, I'd come home all wound up on physical energy. I have a snack and stay up a while. My partner and I have a routine of getting up early, which I LOVE, so it was tricky for me to sleep in. As opening approached, and my nerves took over, I'd find myself running scenes in my head as I tried to fall asleep. My sleep hours became fewer and fewer. You can see where this is going.

Soon I was barely sleeping. And heading into rehearse and perform. My eyes felt like they were retreating into their sockets, leaving deepening dark circles where they used to be.

Blearly, bitchy, weepy and whiny, I found myself at my doctor's office, a day or so after opening the show. Despite the absence of opening night pressure, despite the fact that the show had been so well-received, I still wasn't sleeping. Just toally physically wound up, was my thought. Still running loops of dialogue through my mind. Other people's monologues that lead up to my entrance, as though I was constantly checking to see if I knew my cues, to make sure I knew when to enter. If I couldn't remember a word of line, I'd start the speech from the top...

"Patience unmoved! No marvel though she pause,
We can be weak when we have no other cause..."

Shit. What's next?

As I sat across from my doctor, I went on a rant about how I couldn't sleep, how tough my job was, how physically wound up I was at the end of the night and how I really needed to sleep or else...

He looked at me like I was crazy and said, 'You just need sleeping pills. What's the big deal?'

I left with a prescription for Zopiclone. The Greek goddess of Sleep. I was relieved.

That night I selpt beautifully.

Two weeks later here I am. Still on the pills. I had originally imagined that I'd take these pills for two or three days until I got my energy back, and then tuck them away for some other time, or chuck 'em out.

Nope.

I have tried to get to sleep many times since that first night without taking them, but an hour into sleeplessness I cave in. I need to rest, I think. I've got a responsibility to a show. I HAVE to perform.

I don't believe I actually need them. I believe my body wants to sleep for real. But every night when I drive home, I think, "What if I can't sleep again?"

It's the side effects that are killing me. A creeping sense of anxiety. Moodiness. A feeling of distance. Weird vision stuff. A feeling like my eyes are crossing. Seriously.

I just want me back. I want to feel like myself.

I believe that when we want something, really want something, we make it happen. I also believe in healing, in the power of the mind to change things, to make miracles happen, to transform our experience.

So here are my questions:

Why don't I want to sleep?
Why am I making myself tired?
What am I tired of?
Why do I believe in the power of Zopliclone, The Goddess of Sleep, more than my own ability to sleep?

This last question intrigues me the most. Do I still need to believe in a god outside of me? Do I still need to give my power to a being outside of myself? Am I afraid to take the last and GIANT step toward myself, and say, with absolute conviction:

"I am my own God. I decide. It's up to me. I have the Power."

The answer is in me.