My Journey Continues

I'm still working on it.

Hmm. Maybe 'working' is part of my problem.

After a night of virtual sleeplessness on Sunday, and then quite a healthy sleep on Monday night, I had only a few hours (3 or 4) last night, and no success at napping. I never was a good napper.

Tomorrow I go for a massage and then I have an acupuncture appointment on Friday. That oughta help, right?

Right now, in this moment, I am super super tired. I'm just gearing up to hop in the shower and go to work. I am that place where I honestly can't image myself doing what I have to do physically in The Comedy Of Errors tonight. There is, thankfully, another part of me that knows that I will be fine, that I will get energy and do the show, and all will be well.

The great frustration that I've had has been with the sleeping medication and the side effects. Now that I'm off it, I wonder how much dependency I developed in 18 nights, and after reading about the effects of withdrawal from Zopiclone, I wonder how much of what I'm experiencing in due to that, and how much is due to just being overtired and anxious about not getting sleep.

All I know right now is, enough. Enough already. I am done. If there is something in me that needs to be released, or looked at, or dealt with, or processed, then I'm ready to know what it is. I ready to let it out of me and let it go. I surrender. I just ask for it to be revealed to me, and I will take full responsibility for it and work it out.

My life is awesome. I am so deeply blessed with so many wonderful things, including great friends, even people who aren't that close to me, whom i know care about me and have taken the time to send me their thoughts and encouraging words. How awesome is that?

So, if this is a worry issue, then I need to get over it. I have no need to worry. If this is a physical response issue, then that's okay but let's get on with it. What else could it be?

A woman I met for the first time the other day told me about stuff going on in her life that she is ready to just be done with. She said something like, 'I've done all this work on myself, and then all of a sudden I had three big car accidents in one year. I know this means something about me but what?'

And then i said something like, 'When people go through that, I think it means that deep deep down inside them, they are desperate to change. It, to me, is just a huge deep-rooted urge to transform. A signal that you are transforming.'

Is that what's happening with me? Am I turning into something? Is this sleeplessness a resistance to the change? Am I afraid of what it might be?

Hmm.