Wow.
And thanks.
I have been feeling so super alone with this sleep issue thingy, and once I posted yesterday's blog, I got so much support and good advice. So helpful when you just aren't thinking clearly.
I think the best thing I learned in the last 24 hours is that I'm actually doing extremely well. Period.
Over the last few days I took the reading that I did about insomnia to heart. It's described by the medical profession as a symptom and not a disease.
Most often it's a symptom of stress. So I had to ask myself, what am I so stressed about?
I came up with a list. Things in my life, in my experience, that are uncomfortable, that I feel like I've been carrying for a long time, that cause me to, well, worry, I guess.
Last night as my partner drove us home in his Jeep, I told him what I thought, and recited my list of stressors. I realized two things as they came out of my mouth: first, that they were not unfamiliar to him, and second that they didn't sound nearly as stress-making or fear-inducing speaking them out loud, being driven home by someone who loves me very much.
I took my pill last night, but woke up really early, so I guess I could be described as tired.
Whatevs.
I'm done.
I went to the gym with my partner and we had an awesome workout. I don't have to be at work until about 7 and I have the day to relax and putter.
I also got a residual cheque in the mail for $300. You gotta love that.
Right now, I feel so grateful for the people who read my wee blog and responded with symapthy and advice. And for my partner who looked at me like I was a little crazy when I confessed my Big Scary List to him.
All is well.
And so it is.
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And so it shall be. It's amazing that when we give voice to the big bad dark eerie secrets we harbour, how inconsequential they become in the light of day. Like terrifying nightmares that retold in the bright sunshiny day seem surprisingly less threatening.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.
keep givin'er.
steph
I empathize with your situation.
ReplyDeleteI've been struggling with sleep issues for a few years now. I've done the Ambien route, vigorous exercise regimens, chamomille tea, ambient music on the iPod etc. I went as far as chasing two Ambien with a big glass of red wine and while that kind of worked, I still felt like an exhausted sack of shit the next day.
But I think you might be on the right path as far as hashing out what's going on in your life. I finally caved in and went to shrink to sort some stuff out that I wasn't even consciously aware needed sorting.
The results were startling. While not yet perfect, I am having solid nights of sleep for the first time in a very long time.
Good luck!
"To sleep, perchance to dream."
Joel
I had to laugh at the visual of you confessing your list. I've had that exact experience. I confess the list that has kept me up all night, out loud, and then we both laugh at it...not because the things that stress me are silly (though some are) but because they're not insurmountable. Even though i swore they were. Goodnight.
ReplyDeleteKMM
Omigod I didn't know you had a blog! I had horrible insomnia at shaw. I remember the feeling of desperation vividly. Comfort will come, though, and I know you're almost there.
ReplyDeleteNow, of course, I have a toddler so I fall into sleep with a great thud while trying to complete the prayer "please don't let him wake before 6" before I'm unconscious.
Much love - K
Hi Shawn,
ReplyDeleteI find that whatever I am dealing with that causes me 'stress' or worry is not as difficult as my habit of worrying. I was raised on worry and guilt and this past spring I actually 'gave up worrying' for lent. I said it to people as a joke but I watched my thoughts differently and really did have some success at relegating worry to something I do on Tuesday afternoons or whenever I schedule it. When I panic about something, I say, Hey I'm going to worry about that on Tuesday or whatever and then when Tuesday comes, I keep my promise, see what I can actually do about my worry between now and the next time I've scheduled myself to pay attention to it. I've started building new habits in my thoughts where worry doesn't have such a strong hold. Now, it's back round noise more often than in the driver's seat. But all of this effort on my part came out of my literally not being able to cope otherwise. Now I feel grateful for not being able to cope! lots of love, Joan